In case you were wondering, here are 10 ways in which I am a bad mother. There are more, trust me....much more, but today we only have time for ten.
1. Sometimes I don't listen to what they say. After 10 minutes of the same story about the WWE championship match between stupid-underwear-man and sweaty-chest-waxer-dude that I heard yesterday and the day before my eyes start to glaze over and I start thinking of other things like whether or not a finger to the eyeball would hurt THAT bad.
2. I can't stand earwax or cleaning out my kids ears. This is Dad's job. I cannot and will not do it. It grosses me out.
3. I bribe my kids. Sometimes, I need something done and I am not ashamed that I sometimes resort to bribery to get my way. It's amazing to me that there are mother's out there who do not use this little parenting trick. They must be the Saint Mother Teresa of parents. I salute them.
4. Sometimes I need a night away from them. I need to breathe without interruption. I need to go to sleep and know that nobody will wake me up in the middle of the night because they can't find their blankie; that I won't be woke at 6:30 in the morning to the sound of WWE Friday Night Smackdown from last night's DVR being played on the TV much too loud for anyone's ears. Sometimes, I want to read a whole chapter of a book without interruption. Sometimes, I want to watch a whole TV show without pausing it to get someone a snack or a drink of water or listen to another story about a princess tea party I've been invited to in 10 minutes.
5. I let my kids watch TV. I know many parents find this to be a horrifying parent mistake, but I for one appreciate the TV. Sometimes they need to chill out and watch a little TV. Sometimes I do too. Sometimes, I need them too.
6. I don't teach my children very well. I didn't teach Dylan how to tie his shoes or ride his bike nor did I teach Maddie (nor does she actually know how to). Homework is a complete disaster in our house. I get frustrated trying to teach them and they get frustrated with me teaching them. Thank God for school. Patience is not my virtue. It isn't even on the property.
7. I sometimes swear around my kids. Sometimes, a bad word slips out of my mouth in front of them. I try to be careful, but damn it, it isn't easy. It is for this reason that when a bad word flies out of their mouth, I don't get angry but I explain that it isn't appropriate for them.
8. I am grateful for the public school system to teach my children, but more than that, I am grateful that they keep me out of my hair for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Homeschooling mothers are truly an amazing breed of women.
9. Play-Doh, Moon Sand, Finger Paint or any paint whatsoever are the work of the devil. I would rather mow the grass with my butt then let that crap in can in my house.
10. I don't really have any desire to have a tea party. It's not like we're really drinking tea, it's water from the bathroom faucet in dirty little plastic cups that have been in her toy box for 4 years. MMMMM Tasty. My way of tea party is not acceptable to her. It's her way or the highway. I wonder where she gets that from?
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